Jack took six "free" steps on Memorial Day. Nana Kingston set him down in the grass (standing) and he walked to me. It was amazing. Ed, concerned with his ribs on the Q, missed it. But, Jack was gracious enough to provide an instant replay so daddy could see. Since then he hasn't been as interested in walking; I bet he thinks the crawling is much faster. I'm sure it won't be long now before he's running after the cats.
A few months ago there was a Parenting magazine article about "letting go." The beginning of the article wrote about the pangs of realizing a child could fall asleep without your help (that they didn't need mommy or daddy as much). At the time (when Jack was probably still only falling asleep when I laid down with him-- and stayed in bed with him-- at around 9:00 PM), I literally guffawed. I always read about the guffaw, but until I imgained parents bemoaning their child's ability to fall asleep without them, I hadn't actually let out a true "guffaw." And, when Jack finally did realize that he didn't need me or daddy to fall asleep by himself in his crib, I did not feel any tug on my apron strings. In fact, I think I jumped for joy for a week or so.
Yet, when Jack took those six independent steps the other day, I felt an ever so slight twang. I realized that yes, one day Jack wouldn't need me at all. Sure, he'll always love me (I hope) and we'll be there for him whenever he needs it (maybe not in the way he wants us to be there- but we'll be there), but bit by bit, he'll distance himself from us to establish his own path in life. Those six steps are moving him towards who he is- or, towards "Jack." I read (or heard) somewhere part of a poem or saying that said, "our children are not ours." They may feel like ours for all the years we care, feed, bathe, and clothe them, but really, a parent's role is to give a child the best opportunity to discover who s/he is- with no strings attached. This is hard. I imagine that it will only get harder the more invested I am in Jack. But then, unconditional love is hard- I just didn't know how difficult (and probably won't really know for a long time) it might be. Not because I expect Jack to love us back as much as we love him, but because I'll have to let him walk his way ever so slowly- and just as slowly hold back the worries and the weight of motherly love like I see my mom still doing from time to time.
Anyway, I'm excited that Jack is learning to walk. He is so proud of himself when he does. And I'm thrilled to discover who is is becoming.
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